So my maternity leave is up…how did that happen?!
The past year has been incredible. I have the most precious little thing and I absolutely adore her. The thought of leaving her, even if it’s just for a few days a week, breaks my heart.
Finishing work to start my maternity leave was so exciting. It only seems like yesterday. I remember clockwatching all day, eager to finish up, jump in the car and head home. Then I could relax, really focus on the baby and start the nesting period! I was eager to organise everything and get the house perfect for when our little one arrived. A whole new chapter of our lives was about to begin and I just couldn’t wait. I was desperate to meet her, hold her, kiss her and just stare into her big beautiful eyes. The past year has been one emotional rollercoaster ride, to say the least. There have been highs and lows, with challenges and hurdles to overcome. It has been the most transitional time for me as a woman. My body has changed, my mental and emotional health has been challenged and my status is no longer just Bex. I am now a mummy and have a little one who relies on me for everything. It’s been the most inspiring and rewarding year of my life.
So tonight, as I prepare myself for my first day back at work, I can’t help feeling anxious, vulnerable and uncomfortable. The heavy feeling in my heart and stomach gets worse, and I feel like I want to scream. After bathing LL and giving her a bottle, she nuzzles into my neck with a contented sigh. This happens every single evening and it’s one of the most precious moments we share. And then I can’t stop it…the tears prick my eyes. I squeeze her tight and wish I could stay like that forever. I find myself sobbing quietly into her muslin. What’s wrong with me?! I’m only going back to work, I’m not leaving the country! But I’m spending time away from my baby, the part of my heart I can’t live without, even if it is just for nine hours each day. It’s still nine hours.
So as I rummage at the bottom of my wardrobe for my name badge, which hasn’t been touched since the day I took it off and is covered in dust (can’t you tell I’m eager to go back?) I plan my outfit and sort out my packed lunch. It feels like the end of an era. I’m a little reassured that my mummy friends feel the same. We’ve spoken about this moment and it’s a push and pull scenario. You have to push yourself to leave your baby but they just pull you back and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I’m going to make myself a cuppa now guys then get the Pom Pom maker out! I feel a mass making session coming on!