Oh dummies, why do you do this to me? When I’m in desperate need of your assistance, you do nothing more than disappear on me!
Every night, when LL cries out and I go into her room, I know that you, (the dummy), have fallen out of her mouth. I never switch on the light as this will wake her up even more. So in the dark I begin my search. I feel around the bed. No sign of you. LL might be clasping you in her hand. No, not there either. I even lightly pat her face to make sure you haven’t got stuck somewhere. No, surprise, surprise. Oh great, she’s screaming. Now I’m on my hands and knees wafting my arms across the carpet. I can’t feel anything other than soft pile. My patience is wearing thin. I don’t understand why you refuse to show yourself! LL is pretty angry now and I have no choice but to run for the light. (I can’t help but mutter under my breath “for f**** sake!”) My eyes sting from the glare of the suddenly lit room and oh, hey presto! There you are dummy, right where I’ve just been ferreting. How lovely! (Are you joking me?!) I now have a semi awake baby. Thanks a lot.
Oh the times when I’ve had you in my hand whilst giving LL her bedtime milk. It’s all quiet, the room is dark and I’m humming twinkle twinkle little star. The tip of my nose has started to itch so I put you on my lap just for a second so I can scratch it. Three seconds later you’ve f***** off again. You were JUST there!!! We are supposed to be a team! My face contorts and my eyes bulge in annoyance. Luckily I find you with just a few seconds to spare before LL polishes off her bottle of milk and screams for you. Don’t hurry yourself, will you? (Eye roll).
There are six of you, all sterilised and ready to go first thing every morning. Three in the kitchen, three in LL’s changing bag. Some hours later the three of you from the kitchen have completely vanished. You’ve been used throughout the day as I really don’t know what LL does with you, but you’ve all disappeared. Again. Eventually there are only two of you left (in the changing bag). I look behind the sofa, underneath the sofa and behind all the cushions. Nothing. Even though LL has had you in the living room. On the sofa. So I’m tidying away all the toys and I’m on my hands and knees retrieving various plastic vegetables. I can’t believe what I spy on the floor. Where I looked half an hour ago for you. There you are. Four of you. I swear you’re playing tricks on me. I don’t find it funny. AT ALL.
You vanish into thin air. You obviously don’t care! Oh dummy, oh dummy where can you be! Listen to me! Please show yourself and don’t defy me!
A little note – I really try not to make a habit of swearing. Please excuse. I have used **** (smiles sweetly). However, the situation of the vanishing dummies brings out something in me. After a while I feel like Beyoncé in her Hold Up video. Ok, so I wouldn’t actually go around smashing up cars when I’m angry, but, you know, don’t mess with a sleep deprived, dummy hunting mama. Lol. Xxx